I finally pre-ordered my copy of Harry Potter yesterday.  For the longest time I couldn't decide whether to do in store or online (online is fifteen bucks less expensive and involves no waiting in line.  In store is more of a sure thing and I could be a dork and do the midnight thing if I wanted - I've never done that before.)   Finally I dithered so long that I missed the deadline for Saturday delivery for online orders, so in store it is. 

The thing is, the store already had copies in back, and it was a new sales clerk, so she gave me one.  That's right, I have the book, and I was up all night reading it.  I have to tell you, it was a bit of a disappointment and not at all what I expected.  Wanna know what happens?

A previously unseen American exchange student shows up at the last minute and saves the day. 

There you have it folks.  That's how the story ends, with an exchange student showing up to Hogwarts, which isn't even open, but her memo was eaten by the confused owl who was supposed to deliver it, ran in to Voldemort who was on his way out after visiting the Chamber of Secrets for a small memorial service for the Basilisk who lived there.  Literally ran into him, and on the staircase at that.  They both tumbled down, but while she was fortunate enough to get off with a slightly sprained ankle and a couple of bruises, his head was shattered into a million pieces.  The description of the gore was quite graphic; is this really still a children's series?

Also, Snape is Harry's father.

And Trelawny is his mother.

You see, what happened is that they had a night of passion that after consuming a rather considerable amount of sherry.  At some point in their drunken and fumbling lovemaking, they thought it would be funny if they polyjuiced themselves into James and Lilly, and since Snape inexplicably had the materials on hand needed to do just that, that is exactly what they did.

A few weeks later, Trelawny discovered she was pregnant and totally freaked out.  She had no idea how polyjuice really worked, but a small and inaccurate knowledge of DNA garnered from some muggleborn students, and she thought that genetically the child would be Lilly's since she's looked like Lilly at the conception.  After a week long binge in reaction, she sobered up long enough to find a spell to transfer the embryo to Lilly's womb, and there you go. 

Oh, and, one more thing: David Hasselhoff is the last Horcrux. 

That one was never explained very well.




(Okay, okay I'm probably not as funny as I think I am, but I couldn't resist.  Sorry. And I really did reserve my copy yesterday, so yay, now that is all taken care of.  Less than a week - I can't believe it.)